Wasting Away


Wasting Away – Preface- To Be Alone

What does it mean to be alone to you? Does it mean free time to spend alone to do whatever you want? Or does it mean emptiness, a hole in your heart that engulfs you till you have nothing left.


Wasting Away – Chp. 1 The Other One

Brian repeated himself, “The other one is here.” Then he pulled me in front of him to look at me in the eyes.
“What do you mean the other one?”
He didn’t take his eyes off of me as he spoke to Danelle, “Danelle, can I talk to Sarah for a minute?”
“No!” She turned to me, “Let’s go back down by the beach and hang out. Or we could… um… Brian, we could play a game of basketball.”
He smiled, “Danelle, that’s a good idea.”
They were acting really weird, “What is going on with you two?”
Danelle was disgusted, “Fine, but don’t be a jerk. If you make her cry, I’ll tell mom.”
He finally moved his attention to her, “I won’t, go get Pat and the ball. We’ll be right out.”
I crossed my arms and waited impatiently. He walked closer to me but leaned on the stove. “Did something happen with you and Jason again?”
“Sarah, are you sure?”
“Positive. Why?” I was a little short because I didn’t like what he was implying.
“He is here, sitting with your mom and dad.”


Wasting Away – Chp. 2 What is it?

“Like tonight, dad was drilling me about your mom’s house, and you having your own apartment and it just came on. I don’t have any control over it. I was really sad when you left and I got sick at the airport too.”
“Sarah, how many times have you been sick?” He was sounding more concerned than I thought needed to be.
“I don’t know. I haven’t been counting.”
“Do you get sick every day?”
“No, only when I’m stressed out.”
“Please, go to the doctor, and keep track of when you’re getting sick.”
“Why, what are you thinking?”
“It’s nothing, but keep track and I will try to call you tomorrow. I’ve got to go. I have to run five miles in two hours from now.”
“I love you, oh wait. I love the notes.”
“You are everything to me, Sarah, goodnight.”
“Goodnight James.”
I hung up the phone and curled back up on the chair and closed my eyes. Then I heard Jason, not realizing he was still here, “Are you feeling better?”
I opened my eyes to glare at him, “You’re still here?”
“Yep.” He wasn’t being smug. He was more like concerned, so I eased up a little.
I closed my eyes again, “Yeah, doing better now.”
“So, are you pregnant?”
Now I was irritated, “No, I’m positive and I need to sleep or you’re going to make me sick again.”
“How can you be positive?”
I was going to lose my temper, “Because, Jason, we didn’t do that! Now please let me sleep.”


Wasting Away – Chp. 3 Checking In

“You know you can see other boys. James is going to be gone for a while.”
“Dad, stop right now! I don’t want to see anyone else, and you’re going to have to get over it!”
Jason was laughing. He was planting the seed in dad’s head and I knew it. I was irritated by all of them, “Goodnight.” I started walking to the bedroom.
Dad reminded me, “I thought you hated the bed in there?”
“I do, but none of you are going to bed and I am tired.”I walked away.
Mom followed me into the bedroom. “Sarah?”
“What now?”
“You are sleeping a lot lately; are you okay?”
“Yeah, I’m fine. I was in the sun all day, so I am tired.”
Oh great, I was starting to turn and my mouth was watering. I got up and ran to the outhouse, not making it again. Shit, now I was going to have to explain this.
Jason was behind me again.
“Can’t you leave me alone? Jason, I don’t want your help.”
“Sarah, are you sure?”
I didn’t know if he was asking if I wanted his help or if I was pregnant, but this works for either, “Positive.”
He was being more careful as he talked to me, “How can you be sure?”
“I just am. You need to drop this. Maybe I was drinking and had too much.”
“You weren’t drinking. I know because I was watching.”
“Jason, go home. I’m fine.”
But my body didn’t agree with what I was saying. I threw up again. He grabbed my hair to hold it for me.
“Jason, I don’t want your help.” I leaned against the outhouse and slowly sat down.
“You’re sure?”
“Yes, positive.”
“What did James say?”
“About what?”
“When you were telling him you were getting sick?”
“He told me to go to the doctor.”
“He couldn’t tell you what was wrong?”


Wasting Away – Chp. 4 Irritated

I took off out the door.
I turned around. I was getting irritated with Jason. “What?”
Jason walked up to me. “If you’re not pregnant and you have been sick, don’t you think you should take it easy today?”
“No, Jason! I feel so much better.”
“Yeah, I heard.”
“Well, do have to repeat myself?”
“No, you were dreaming.”
I was shocked. How much noise did I make? I couldn’t say anything.
“You should be more careful; I could have been your mom and dad, and they would have known you have done it with him.”
“Jason, you don’t know what you’re talking about.”
I moved closer to him, “We haven’t gone all the way, but when the time comes, he will be the one.” I think I left him stunned.
He wasn’t saying or doing anything. I decided this would be a good time to get away, while he was stunned.


Wasting Away – Chp. 5 Reading Me

When I went to bed I remembered the night before and how much better I felt after James came to me in my dream. I wondered if he would do that again. I love his touch. I closed my eyes and drifted away. I tried not to set my mind on anything, other than the soft touch of his hand on my face. I wanted him to come to me again. As I drifted off, I did feel James. He moved behind me wrapping his arms around me. His head rested on mine with his mouth next to my ear, while his hands moved to my stomach.
His whisper came, “Shhhh, my sweet, Sarah. You’re safe in my arms.”
I opened my eyes, but he wasn’t there. I closed them again and he was back. “I love you James.”


Wasting Away – Chp. 6 Staying Busy

I couldn’t finish it. I was done talking him out of coming home.
“James, hold on…”
I ran to the bathroom again. I got sick again; what could this be if I only get sick when I am upset? I went back to the phone and lay down with it on my ear.
“Sarah, I will do whatever you want me to do, just stop getting sick.”
I laughed quietly, “Is this the only way I will get my way?”
He laughed lightly, “Promise me that you won’t let anything happen to you. I couldn’t live with myself if something happened to you and I wasn’t there…”
“Then stop arguing with me.”
“Oh, Sarah, this is so hard.”
“You promised me two more weeks; you have to stick to that.”
“It’s not two weeks from now, it’s less than that.”
“See, you’re already closer; just stay till then please.”
“I did have a good week.”
“See, you have to finish.”
“We’ll discuss it a week from Monday.”
“I will give you that. Besides, I’m not going up north this weekend.”
“That helps a little; how about next weekend?”
“Not if I get sick again.”
“But you did, so you’re not going.”
“James, if I tell mom…Well, she already thinks I’m pregnant.”
“Shit! Why do you think that?”
“Because I get sick all the time and then I eat like a horse the next day.”
“You’re eating?”
“James, you know I eat, but after getting sick I am starving the next day.”
“No wonder she thinks you are; I kind of do too.”
“James we didn’t do it. There is no way we could be, and deep in your heart you have got to know that.”


Wasting Away… – Chp. 7 Needs

“Sarah. I had an idea. We have a break at three weeks and we get a whole day off. I was thinking maybe you could fly out for the day.”
I couldn’t help but smile, “What?”
“I need to see you, even if it’s only for a few hours.”
“You want me to come to you?”
“Yes. I need to see you. And you have all that money, you could use some to come and see me.” “I will get on the internet and see what I can find out.”
“You think you could do that?”
“To be with you I would do anything. I miss you so much, James. My heart is racing from you asking me.”
His joy came through the phone, “You have made me so happy.”


Wasting Away – Chp. 8 Frail

Brian ignored me and asked Danelle, “Will you please set up the games. I will explain.”
Danelle protested, “You know we’re not supposed to…”
I shifted my attention back and forth between each of them wondering what was going on. “What?”
He still didn’t answer my questions, “Danelle, please. I will be careful.”
She stormed out of the room, and I was confused about their reactions.
“Sarah, your dad talked to my mom and dad.”
“Okay, what are you talking about?”
“We all know.”
“Know what?”
I wanted to hit someone. This was way over reacting to Jason showing up.
“That when you get upset… well, you’ve been getting sick.”
I was relieved and irritated at the same time. “Brian I am fine. I went to the doctor, and she gave me some pills for my stomach. They are helping, and I haven’t gotten sick in a week.”
“Really?” He seemed relieved and confused by this.
“Yeah, it’s my nerves and my stomach is taking it out on me. Otherwise, I feel perfectly fine.”
He moved closer to me with his face down, “Sarah, you’re really skinny now . Are you sure you’re eating?”
Now I was really mad. “You saw me eat!”
He pleaded, “You didn’t even eat half, and I ate most of it.”
“Then you shouldn’t have hurried me. I would have eaten all of it. I am fine!”
“But your dad asked that we be careful to not upset you or let anyone else upset you.”
“Well, you’re kind of pissing me off now!” I turned to walk away.
He grabbed my arm to stop me. “He’s not the only one that cares about you. It’s okay to have friends that care too.”


Wasting Away – Chp. 9 Committed

“So, he’s coming home?”
“Well, eventually he is.”
He was sounding hopeful, “You didn’t tell him I was here?”
“I told you. I knew you wouldn’t tell him.”
“Oh, I told him.”
“What did he say?”
“Not a whole lot, but as long as I can handle it he’s not going to worry about it.”
“That doesn’t sound like James. He would have been here already.”
“Jason, he knows I love him more than life itself.”
“Sarah! I know James. How did you talk him into not coming home?”
I grimaced as I told him, “I got sick and he was willing to do anything to get me to stop.”
He chuckled, “He gave into you?”
“I bet he doesn’t know you look this sick.”
“I don’t look sick. I am really thin that is all. And remember I’m frail, so don’t upset me!”
He was more concerned, “So, what did the doctor say?”


Wasting Away – Chp. 10 It Will Wait

Danelle gasped, “Sarah!”
I turned to her to see what shocked her. She was noticing me. I put on the body suit quickly. I knew where she was going with this.
“Sarah, you’re really thin.”
I had it zipped to my belly button before Brian turned around to see what she was talking about. He looked me up and down, and then turned away smiling. It couldn’t be that bad. He seemed pleased with what he saw. I couldn’t help but grin and I felt better about the way I looked. I handed Danelle my phone, “Take a picture please, for James.”
“You are such a cheater.”
“Danelle, I haven’t been trying to lose weight, but it keeps falling off. Plus, I have been running a lot.”
“I’m not saying you look bad, it’s just that you are really thin.” She leaned into me, “The guys are going to drool.”
I laughed a little. “So, I’m not gross looking?”
“No, but you look really grown up, and the blonde, just… wow!”


Wasting Away – Chp. 11 Heart Aches

“Brian, I can tell by the way you are acting. You were getting busy with someone.”
He closed his eyes in defeat, “Sarah, please.”
“Okay, but it’s okay, Brian. I am happy for you.”
He took my hand and started pulling me down into the bar area and next into the cooler, not closing the door. He put me in the corner, but kept his face down.
I tried to make him feel better about it, “Brian, I do want you to be happy. I want you to have someone. Is it Mykala?”
His eyes moved to mine. His thoughts were running across his face. It was like he couldn’t tell me, “Sarah, you don’t understand. I tried to behave, but sometimes I look at you and you’re just so… I couldn’t help myself; she was willing and I needed to…”


Wasting Away – Chp. 12 So In Love

He reached down to my neck and pulled on the necklace, “Did James give you this?” as he pulled a little more the ring fell out. I took the ring in my hand and tucked it back in my shirt. I didn’t say anything, and he sat down on the stairs in front of me, but not facing me. “Isthat what I think it is?”
“You’re not wearing it where it should be?”
“Nope, I’m too young for this.”
“Then why do you have it?”
“I think he was afraid?”
“Of what?”
“That I would think he wasn’t coming back. When he gets back I will give it back to him, so he can hold onto it for a couple of years.”
“So, you’re going to tell him no?”
“Jason, I already said yes.”


Wasting Away – Chp. 13 Broken Plan

“Simple. Go to my mom’s house. Be there before 10:30 am. Wilson will be there between 10:30 and 11:00 a.m. Wait by the pool. He will tell you what to do next.”
“Is this like a treasure hunt or something?”
“That is it exactly. It will take you all day, so don’t make plans.”
“All day?”
“Sarah, you took the day off and it’s your late work day. So, I did plan it to last all day.”
“I wish you were going to be with me for this. Is it going to depress me?”
“I promise it will be like I am with you all day.”
I laughed with a sigh, “Okay, because I don’t want to be depressed again. I feel so much better.”
“You will like it. It will definitely be fun.”
“It’s not going to be that fun if I am alone.” “You won’t feel alone, please tell me you will do this.”
“I will, but if it makes me sad you may have to come home. I don’t think I can handle getting sick anymore.”
“Did they say how much you lost?”
“Yeah, but I am not telling you.”
“You will think I’m not eating, but James I am. I eat good food more, but because I won’t eat a burger, or pizza everyone thinks I’m not eating. You saw me eat, so don’t believe them.”
“Sarah, how much?”
“I’m not telling you.”
“Yes, you are!”
“Make me.”
“Sarah, please don’t make me worry. Just tell me.”
“You’ll worry more if I tell you. So no, I’m not saying.”
“You’ll make me angry if you don’t tell me.”
“Fine… 10 pounds.”
“You are so lying.”
“I am not!” I tried to sound offended.


Wasting Away – Chapter 14: Surprise

I took a deep breath and opened the book to page 45.

My love is so deep so strong
My heart is so weak and alone
I have waited for so long
To be with you from now
until the end of time.

I smiled and traced my hand over it. I scooted all the way back and leaned against the back of the lounge and closed my eyes. I took another deep breath, and then I felt his breath trace my face.
“James, not like this. It won’t be the same.”
“How do you know?”
I slowly opened my eyes, and I could see him. Was this real? I touched his face slowly tracing his cheeks with my finger tip as I looked deep in his eyes. They were sweet, loving, and full of desire.
I heaved a breath, “Are you really…?”
A smiled grew on his face as he slowly leaned to me to kiss me so softly. The tears moved quickly to my eyes and a few were leaking out.
“You’re not supposed to cry.”
I wrapped my arms around his neck and started to kiss him deeply. I continued to touch him, but moved my hand to his back, his arms, and his chest. I was making sure he was really here. He took my hands to stop them from touching him everywhere. I was breathing so hard from the confusion and excitement. I wanted to kiss him more, but his smile comforted me. He pulled my hands to his mouth and kissed my finger tips individually. I moved to replace my finger tips with my mouth. I kept my eyes open to make sure he wouldn’t disappear from me. I moved to my knees putting both hands on his face to cup it and hold it, so I could keep kissing him. He wrapped his arms around me pulling me closer.


Wasting Away – Chp 15 How Close

I moved closer to him because I wanted what was coming next. The trembling was over coming me, and I nuzzled into him as I felt his desire push hard against me. I knew this was what I was waiting for, and then there was nothing.


Wasting Away – Chp. 16 Last Attempt

I could see the regret on his face, “Sarah?”
“I know you’re still going.” My heart was breaking.
“Four more weeks my sweet little girl. Four more weeks and I will give you everything you want.”
I begged him with my eyes and said, “You?”
He leaned into kiss my cheek and whispered, “You were ready.” He turned me to kiss him deeply. He let go hurrying to the truck Wilson was in. I couldn’t move. What did he mean I was ready? Was I ready for him? Did that mean we could have if I didn’t fall asleep? Were we that close and I ruined it? Was he miserable? Would we try to be together as soon as he got home? I could not move an inch; he had taken my breath away. My phone buzzed, I fumbled around trying to take it out.
I opened it to find a message from James: >“Sarah, first 1- 2- 3- breath. Then go home. I love you more than you know.”


Wasting Away – chp. 17 A Good Day

I felt his touch on my face.
“James, I’m okay right now, and if you do that the hurting and the desire will overwhelm me and I will be miserable.”
I felt his finger tips glide along my jaw line and then over my lips.
“Yep, the pain of you not being here is coming back.”
“Sarah, close your eyes. I need to do something.”
“James, it’s going to hurt.” But I closed my eyes anyway.
He laughed, “You closed your eyes?”
“I wasn’t asking; I feel you that much.”
I felt his kiss so soft on my lips, his hand moving slowly down to my neck just to feel the shape of it. “You are lying on your side, but you are hugging a pillow where your head is laying.”
“Oh, James, how are you going to concentrate if you feel me all the time?”
“I am actually stronger, and I can stop it, or block some of it.”
The kissing resumed. It felt like he was there in front of me, but his focus stayed on my face and my neck.
“James, I’m going to fall asleep like this.”
“Go ahead; I want to stay here for a while, if it’s okay with you.”
“Yes, please.”
His touch was relaxing and soothing. I fell asleep with no pain in my heart.


Wasting Away – Chapter 18: Sharing Souls

“I miss your soft touch on the indentation of my back when you’re leading me. The tracing of your hand down my back to show me I’m special to you. The soft kiss of your lips on my hand and then turning it over to kiss my palm to show me you adore me. The way you move to me and talk in my ear making my heart race. And the…”
He interrupted me, “Wait!”
“What, James?”
“I want you here next to me, so I can share this with you.”
“Share what with me?”
I felt this amazing rush through my whole body, as if he moved into my body and then out.
“Oh, James, what was that?”
“I wanted to touch you with my soul. What does it feel like for you?”
“It’s like I can feel every part of you move through me.”
He laughed, “It’s a little erotic, so I am by the shower.”
“How are you doing?”
“If I do it…”
“Oh, shit, James.”
“Yep, I have to call you back.” He was gone.


Wasting Away – Chapter 19: Cancer

“Sarah, your thoughts are driving me crazy and I can’t live without you. What are you talking about?”
“…for cancer.”
“But, that’s not it!”
“Sarah, I have felt cancer before. It’s not that.”
I gasped with relieve. I could not believe he was so confident on this. “So, I am over reacting?”
“Oh, my sweet Sarah. I should have told you that. I would have reacted the same way, but no, baby, it’s not cancer.”
“But I took a radiation pill.”
“You did what? I don’t like that.”
“Well neither do I and it was scary. They had on a radiation suit to give me the pill and now it’s in me.”
“Oh, Sarah, I really need to come home.”
“Well, now that I know it’s not cancer. I am fine. I haven’t gotten sick in 5 days and counting, James.”
“I think I will come home anyway. I just need to be around you.”
“I need that too, but I am not going to be the reason you quit. So, suck it up and finish.


Wasting Away – Chapter 20: Girl Talk

I was getting frustrated waiting to find out nothing. They weren’t going to find anything. I should really walk out. This wasn’t going to do any good.
The nurse walked up to me, “It’s just going to be a little longer, but someone is here to entertain you while you wait.”
Matt came around the corner looking at me. I sighed with relief, “Matt, I told you I am fine.”
“I know but…if he can’t be here, and you said I was your best friend next to him, I felt it was my duty.”
I started to tear up. I couldn’t believe he was here. I couldn’t help myself and I stared at him. He pulled up a chair and handed me a couple of magazines. I laughed a little.
“See, you do feel better.”
I was embarrassed, “Yeah.”
“May I?” as he reached for my hand. I took a hold of his and tightened my grip. We started to look at a magazine together. I disapproved of his selection, “Sports Illustrated, Swim Suit edition?”
“Well, you may want to see what would look good on you.”
“None of them, I don’t have boobs like that.”
He laughed.


Wasting Away – Chapter 21: The Guard Dog

Tony moved to the kitchen to take care of some things, and Jake was on a mission to irritate me. I tried to ignore him, but it wasn’t going to work.
“Well, Sarah the great, what wise wisdom do you have for me?”
“I swear everyone up here knows who you are and how great you can be. So, do something great.”
“I don’t know what you are talking about, and I am not great. In fact I am very average, so nothing great from me.” I resumed eating, avoiding his look, but it persisted, and he was making me really uncomfortable, “What is your problem with me? Did I do something that has pissed you off? You don’t even know me.”
“I know your type. The girls think you’re great, honest, and not up here to steal their guys away.


Wasting Away – Chapter 22: So Tired

“James, the only lips I ever want to feel ever again is yours. So if you want to argue anymore it will have to wait until tomorrow because I am so tired and I need to lie down right now.”
I found a large rock and sat down on it. I wasn’t going to make it much longer. I needed to go back in, but how far did I walk? Shit, where am I?
“You are absolutely adorable.”
I was scared and so tired I didn’t know what to do, “James…?”
“Sarah, what’s wrong?”
“I was walking while I was talking to you, and now I am so tired.”
“Where are you?”
“Don’t know, I don’t think I can walk back. James, I am so tired.”
“Sarah, you are kidding me?”
“James, I need to lay down now.”
I moved to sit on the ground and rested my head on the rock. I need to close my eyes for 10 minutes. Can you stay on the phone with me ‘til I fall asleep???”
“Sarah, get up. Get up now!”
“Just a couple of minutes, I can’t go anymore.” I closed my eyes. I could hardly hold the phone.
“Sarah, don’t you dare do this to me. Get up now, Sarah. I need you to stay awake a little longer, baby. I know you can do this. I won’t be mad…about the kiss if you get up right now.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 23: Staying Busy

I heard a deep voice, but it was a voice I really didn’t want to hear. “Why don’t you come out here and go through them; it might help.”
I opened my eyes, but I was guarded and it was that crabby Jake guy.
“Come on, I will go through them with you.”
I really didn’t know what to make of this, maybe a breakthrough that he wasn’t quite the jerk I thought he was.
“Come on; I won’t bite.”
I started the music over and went out. He started to do my moves. I couldn’t believe he knew them.
My surprise must have shown on my face because he commented, “Yesterday, I paid attention.”
I shook my head and ran back to the stage to start it over again. He went through all the dances with me. We both goofed up a couple of times, but he was helping me through my sadness. I started it over again and everything went smoother this time. In my relief from the sadness I said, “You’re not so bad when you’re not barking.”
I knew he was easing because he only laughed with my comment. I went up and started them again. I was actually laughing, giggling, and having a good time. We made it through three songs when Tony and Jason walked back in.
I heard Tony yell from the bar, “Jake, you’re working.”
He took off back to the bar but gave me a quick grin and said, “You will do fine tomorrow.”
I wanted to hug him and say thank you, but that would violate my rules for today, so I didn’t say anything.


Wasting Away – Chapter 24: No More Goofing Around

He was explaining how precious this gift was because it was very powerful and after it’s used the connection between the two would be stronger. That made sense. James said feeling me was so much stronger after he left again. Carl also explained that sometimes the power is too much, so it was to be used carefully and we needed to learn how to use it properly. All I could think was, all it did for me was put me to sleep.


Wasting Away – Chapter 25: A Day In The Sun

“Oh Sarah, you had me so worried.”
“I am fine now. I saw your mom and dad today.”
“How is my dad?”
“He looks amazing. He told me stories, but one has me concerned. I will ask you about that when I see you.”
“No tell me. I have nothing to hide from you.”
“Okay, but you won’t answer me.”
“Yes I will. Quit playing with me.”
“It was about the feather.”
“You’re right. It will wait till I get home.”
“James, did we over use it?”
“Maybe, but please let us discuss it when we are together again.”
“See! I told you and one other thing…”
“What is that?”
“You have to let Jason off the hook on looking after me.”
“Why? I am worried about you.”
I thought about touching his lips with my fingertips. I closed my eyes to enjoy the thought.
“Sarah! You’re trying to distract me. Why? He hasn’t tried anything has he?”
“You know the answer to that. Can I have a taste?”
“Well, then, what are you telling me?”
“James, your dad said you did something to me that was helping my body to fight. Could it be from you sharing your soul with me, because if that is it, I could really use a dose of feeling better.”
I heard him whisper, “Sarah…are your eyes closed?”
My distraction was working, “Yes.”
“Then you need to sleep.”
“James, don’t tease me. Please, just once. I will sleep better.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 26: New Young Hottie

The heat was getting to me and the arguing wasn’t helping. I stopped and grabbed the counter.
Jason’s tone changed instantly, “Sarah?”
I was still angry, “Jason, don’t! I am fine. It’s just too hot in here for me.”
“Get out then. I can do this.”
I grabbed a tray of glasses to bring out to the bar.
I heard him scold me, “Don’t do that, Sarah.”
“Jason, I am fine.”
I walked out to the bar to stack the glasses.
Jake came over and grabbed the tray, “What do you think you’re doing?”
I looked at him sternly, “I am helping.” Then I weakened, “Let me do this.”
He took his hands off the tray, but I had to sit it down. I was getting weaker.
Tony noticed and walked up to me, “Sarah, you’re not okay?”
I didn’t want to feel this way. I didn’t want to be weak, “Tony, I am fine. Let me do this. Let me finish tonight before you start to worry about me. I am having fun.”
He didn’t know what to do, so he agreed, “Okay, but James will be angry with me.”
“I will deal with my James and his fury.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 27: Easing The Pain

Jake was distant and cold, “So, what is wrong with you?”
“I don’t know.”
“Do you pass out all the time?”
“I didn’t pass out. I just get really tired. Wednesday it started.”
“From what Jason said, you have lost 30 pounds in the last month.”
“I knew he wouldn’t keep his mouth shut.”
“He was talking to Tony. I pay attention.”
“Hey, thanks for helping me earlier.” I curled up on the bed looking at him.
“So, you are not this great, strong, opinionated girl that everyone talks about.”
“I told you that the other day.”
“So, can you come tomorrow? Will you feel up to it?”
“I already promised Tony. He seems to do good when we put these on.”
“He must have. I made almost $300 in those three hours.”
“That’s good.”
“How much does Tony pay you?”
“I get a meal, and he lets me dance here.”
“He doesn’t pay you?”
“No, it’s more like I do a favor for him, and he feeds me and lets me dance. Almost… anytime I want.”
His look became distrustful, almost a glare, “So, are you running a fever?”
I didn’t know what to think of this, “A little now and then, maybe a couple of degrees.”
“All the time?”
Why was he asking me these questions? “Well, if you are asking if I run a temperature when I was throwing up? No, I didn’t feel sick at all.”
“You were throwing up?”
“Yeah, but only when I got upset.”
“Okay, there was more with the fever?”
“Yeah, if you are asking about the fever when I am really tired; I have no idea. I just get tired and I don’t seem to have any strength.” This was weird, but I felt like I could tell him anything. He wasn’t like after me or trying to flirt with me at all. I felt very safe.


Wasting Away – Chapter 28: Over Reacting

“I think your mom told them everything about how sick I have been. James, I have been so good ‘til tonight.”
“Sarah, don’t think about it. It will be fine.”
I felt his face next to mine, “I am here. You can sleep now.”
“But you just called. I want to hear your voice.”
“I know, Sarah, but your body heals better while you sleep. I need you to make it ‘til I can get there.”
“James, please.”
“I will stay until you are sleeping.”
“I love you.”
“And I love you more than you know.”
I could feel his hand trace over my face, and his warm sweet breath was at my ear. It was easier to fall asleep with him holding me.


Wasting Away – Chapter 29: Restrictions Not Restricting

I looked at Brian. How was I going to get him up with as much distance as I could? I went to the foot of the mattress and started jumping on it a little, “Brian, time to get up and play.”
He didn’t move. I jumped a little closer to him. There wasn’t much give in the mattress. He still didn’t move.
I nudged him with my foot, “Brian, let’s go water skiing. Get up.”
It came so swiftly, he knocked me off my feet and pulled me into him. I was almost underneath him.
“Brian!” I was trying to push myself free. “Brian, get off me. Let me up.”
He pulled me closer and nuzzled into my neck and started kissing me there.
“Brian, I’m Sarah. You need to stop now.”
He opened his eyes and pushed me away covering himself with the sheet. He was…shit…nude.
“Sarah, shit, I’m sorry. I mean…”
I got up and avoided his eyes, “I think I will wait outside.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 30: A Little Temperature

“Okay ladies, who wants more of what we got a sweet taste of last night?”

The roar of the crowd was amazing.
“Who wants our hot new bartender to come out here?”
The cheering got louder. I was laughing as I saw Jake shaking his head, but he had a great big grin on his face.
“I think if you ladies cheer louder he will come over the bar for you.”
They were all screaming.
I gestured for him to come up, “Are you going to give them what they want, Jake?”
He came over the bar in on leap. He moved to the middle of the dance floor, and I started the music, “Come on ladies, he doesn’t want to dance by himself.”
That worked. They all wanted to be close to him. He put his finger up curling it for me to come out there.
I shook my head and announced, “They want you.”
He did it again and I went out to the dance floor. He had already started the moves, so I stayed behind him doing them too. He grabbed me and pushed me in front of him. I shook my head no, but he didn’t give me a choice. We were dancing, laughing, and having so much fun. The song was coming to an end, so I ran back to the stage.
“Ladies, how about one more time before we take a break?”


Wasting Away – Chapter 31: A Little Magic

I waited for her reply because I knew she wasn’t pleased. I didn’t know what she was thinking. I was holding my breath waiting to hear what she wanted me to do.
I wanted to make Sarah better, so I could spend more time with her. She just had such a good heart and she was selfless. I didn’t know that many people who wanted the best for someone else like she does. I have only known her for a few days and I wanted to be around her all the time. No, that is not why I am here. Just tell me to take her to the hospital. We could get her fixed up and I could go home. Why didn’t I stay distant from her? I know she loves this James guy, so I had to keep a cold heart and not let her in. Clarissa was reading my face. I was trying to be cold, think cold. I don’t care.
Clarissa’s look softened, “Your heart is opening to her, isn’t it?”
“No, I am here for one reason. I owe you everything.”
“You don’t owe me anything. You have worked for everything you have done, but please don’t fall for her. You will get hurt, because she loves James. They are meant to be together.”
“I know that. I am not. I am here to find out what is wrong, that is all.”
She smiled at me as my guilt was driving me crazy, “Are you sure?”
“Yes. What do you want me to do?”
“If you are sure you will stay, if you are not…”
She was waiting for me to change my plea, but I held strong, so she finished her sentence, “If not, than she will go home with her parents, no matter what happens.”
“I can handle it.” What was I saying? I don’t know if I can handle this. I have to; that is what I am here for.


Wasting Away – Chapter 32: The Commitment

“No. I do need you, but I will wait. You are not coming home ‘til you’re done and if you are going to argue with me, I’ll…” I didn’t want to say it.
“What Sarah, you’ll what? Cut me off? Not kiss me? What, because nothing you threat will make me stay away?”
“James?” I started to cry. “I will have to give back your ring, and we’ll just have to wait and see.” My crying moved to sobbing.
“Sarah, please, don’t do this to me. You are breaking my heart.”
“My heart is breaking too James, but if you love me you need to finish.” I could hardly breathe.
Jake was sitting up, so I got up and went into the bathroom and closed the door.
“Sarah, you know I love you and this training doesn’t compare to how I feel about you.”
“I know, but if you don’t finish how can I expect you to last a life time with me?”
“Oh Sarah, please.”
“Well, how am I supposed to feel, if you can’t commit for six weeks to something?”
“You know it’s not that. You know there are exceptions and you are my exception and you are sick. I need to be there.”
“You will be when I need you the most. Please, James, stay and do your best. I will wear the ring no matter how hard it will be for my mom and dad. I love you.”
“Why do you have to be so stubborn, little girl.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 33: Doing Better

After she closed her eyes, I watched her as I counted. Oops, I had to start over and watch the clock. After I got a good count I stayed there and went through things in my head. She loves James and he loves her. Why was she so tempting for me? I could not have this precious beautiful girl. I propped a couple of pillows on the headboard and leaned back and put my hand on her forehead. She was still so warm. She curled into me. I knew I should push her away from me, but I knew this would be the only time I could have her this close to me ever again. I closed my eyes to enjoy her touch.


Wasting Away – Chapter 34: A Little Fun

I took off in the boat with Jake and Danelle. We went around the corner to a different bay where no one would see us.
I pushed the tube out and looked at him, “I am not going to be done until you get on this for one ride.”
Danelle was laughing, “You better because she will win.”
He looked right at her angry but then his stiffness softened, “I really don’t want to do this.”
“I know, but you don’t have a choice. Get on, or I am not listening to you.”
He huffed and crawled onto the tube. I decided if he never did this before he would need some instructions, “You have to hang on here and here, and lay on your stomach. I am going to push you out. When the line is all the way out give me thumbs up when you’re ready.” I pushed the tube and he was not happy at all.
I waited for the thumbs up.
Danelle was giggling, “Why are you doing this to him?”
“I don’t think he has had much fun in his life, and he helped me to feel better. I want to see him smile. That’s all.”
“Sarah, you know he is going to like you too.”
“No, I don’t think so. He is here to doctor me up. Clarissa sent him.”
“It looks like you’re doing the doctoring.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 35: The Ring

“I will try to hurry, but if I am not back by 4:30 pm she will need another pill. They are in her bag. She took one at 12:30 pm.”
Her mom walked over to grab her bag and pulled them out to look at it, but stopped and looked in the bag again. She put her hand in the bag and pulled out a necklace that was quite long. It had a big ring on the end of it. The tears came to her eyes as she turned to look at Sarah’s father. He was instantly angry, and he stormed out of the trailer. Sarah’s mother looked at me to question me.
I shook my head, “I had no idea.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 36: Doctor Appointment

I looked at him and the tears were welling up in my eyes as he turned to look at me happily. “Then what is it?”
He pulled me in front of him wrapping his arms around me lifting my right hand with his, “See this; right here?”
I felt so much more secure. He was treating me like a real person.
“I think that is our culprit.”
“What is it?”
“Your appendix, but I need the results to be sure. Usually people experience extreme pain and you have none. That’s what makes me a little unsure.”
He was pointing my hand over another area. “This…” he was sweeping our hands over another area, “…I can’t explain, but we should know in a day or two. If it is, we’ll just take it out, and you will be better.”
I leaned into him a little for support.
He turned me to him and put my face on his chest, “I will take care of this… of you.”
I stayed there until my doctor walked back in. He took my hand and walked me back to a chair that was closer to Matt. Jake handed my hand to him. Matt took it as I sat down. I was feeling really weak again. This was too much for me to handle. I put my head on his chest. Jake noticed and came over to feel my forehead.


Wasting Away – Chapter 37: Relieving the Stress

I sat there just tracing my hand over her back. I wanted to know what she was thinking. How she was feeling? I leaned my head back. I did not want to care for her. She did really love him. I really enjoyed being around her so much. She makes me smile. The look on her face when she was scared made me want to comfort her. When she smiled at me from seeing me happy was very fulfilling. She was warming my heart. I didn’t know that having someone in your life could bring you so much more satisfaction than doing what I have already done. Being a doctor wasn’t filling my wants anymore. I wanted her to feel that way about me. I knew it was wrong and I will not let myself …I looked at her and touched her shoulder.
I whispered, “Sarah?”


Wasting Away -Chapter 38: Shorts

He was so serious and it was intense. I sat down watching him. He stopped and ran his fingers through his hair.
I couldn’t help myself, “What is it?”
He looked at me and pushed it all away from him. He was angry, “This sucks.”
I got up and grabbed his hands, “Come with me. It’s time for a break.”
“No Sarah, I shouldn’t have taken a break before. I am missing something. Just go. I need to look longer and harder.”
I walked away. There was no competing with that. The movie was over now, so I turned the TV off. I went to the computer pulling up the music we had put together. I started it and turned it up.
I was going through some steps and I heard him yell. “Sarah, turn it down! I can’t think!”
I turned it up. I didn’t want to think about it. I needed to escape thinking about this and how I felt.
He yelled again, “SARAH!”
I closed my eyes and my ears to block him out. I needed to escape from this reality. I kept dancing with my eyes closed.
“Sarah?” His voice was softer.
I turned to see him walking into the room, “Shhhhh, I can’t think like this.”
I couldn’t help but smirk at him. He walked over to the computer and turned it down. He stood there looking at me.
I felt obligated to justify my actions, “It’s okay to not work all the time. You’re still young, and you should have some fun too.”
He walked up to me putting his hands on each side of my face just looking at me. I needed James here. I needed to feel loved. Just don’t kiss me. I can’t return it. I love James. Please, do not kiss me.
He didn’t but he spoke, “Some things are more important, and you may not be there at all if we don’t take care of this.”
I looked at him melting. I was trying to convince myself, I’ll turn you down. Please, please, do not kiss me. I closed my eyes losing my balance.
His arms wrapped around me, and sat me down on the couch and then felt my forehead. “Sarah?”
“Nope, I’m fine, really. I’ll keep it down. I am sorry.”
He knelt with one knee on the couch and hovered over me feeling my pulse by touching my neck, “Sarah, your pulse is racing.”
“Yeah, I think I need to…, um…, go rest some more.” I took his hands and pushed them away gently and moved around him. I couldn’t even look at him. I was so weak and I really needed to be held. I needed James here right now. I walked into my room closing the door behind me. He let me walk away without saying anything. Thank you god, please help me to be strong. I love my James.


Wasting Away – Chapter 39: A Little Stubborn

“Sarah?” He was walking in. I rolled over to sit up. “Don’t forget your pills.” He was handing me an antibiotic, an ibuprofen, and a bottle of water.
I handed him the bottle back when I was done, but he pulled out the thermometer and smiled.
I looked at him disappointed, “I feel fine.”
He sat down on the side of my bed and leaned back towards me. “Sarah, please don’t be stubborn about this.”
Okay, I was melting. He was so cute. He looked so much younger with these clothes on. I opened my mouth. He felt my forehead but his touch was tender. I was getting uncomfortable. I held up my arm waving my wrist in his face, and he smiled and took it. The thermometer beeped, I took it out looking at it.
He grabbed it from me, “I am the one that is supposed to be the doctor.”
“I don’t even have a temp. See, I am fine.” I was shoving it in his face to see.
“Sarah, your pulse is still racing a little.”
“I was just dancing so go away, and I’ll try to sleep. You’ll see I am fine to play tonight.”
I rolled over and hugged a pillow and closed my eyes. He laid on the bed next to me. Shit, now what? “Jake, what’s up? I need to sleep so I can go tonight.”
I turned to look at him. James, I love James.
“I just wanted you to know… I did have fun today.”
I relaxed with a grin and closed my eyes. I felt him move from the bed, but I didn’t hear him leave the room so the sleep must have come swiftly.


Wasting Away – Chapter 40: The Surge

Her breathing was increasing, and I didn’t know what to do. I looked over at Matt, and this time he was noticing. We were almost to his house from what I could remember. As he stopped, she heaved a huge breath and her whole body moved. Now she was completely relaxed in my arms as she spoke, “James.”
I felt like I was violating her personal space. Matt looked at me and I didn’t know what to say.
“That was weird.”
I was looking at her, “You have no idea how weird that was. I could feel a… I don’t know like a surge when she did that.”
“What? Like electricity?”
“No, I don’t know how to explain it.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 41: Holding

He was tracing his face on my neck; I knew I could not react to him. James would know I was being weak again. I love James and only James, and I should not be allowing this. It was unfair to Jake.
The whisper came again, “Sarah?”
“I have the urge to…”
I stopped him immediately, “Shhhh Jake, you will have to leave.”
His grip lessened, and he moved his arm back to my waist to rest there. I cupped his arm and pulled it around me. I didn’t want him to stop holding me.
His whisper came to me again, “I will take anything you are willing to share with me.”
My heart was breaking. I was leading him on, and I was going to hurt him. I knew it and couldn’t help it. How could I be so cruel? The tears were welling up in my eyes; it was becoming more difficult to stay here. I closed my eyes, and the tears were spilling out tracing down my cheek. I reached up and tried to wipe them.
“Sarah, does this hurt you?”
“No, yes, I’m just sorry.”
“It’s okay. More than one person has warned me. I am here to make you feel better, and if this helps than I am okay with it.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 42: Oh The Pain

He looked at me with doubt in his face. He moved his hands over to the opposite side of my stomach. He pushed down and moved a little. The pain was ghastly, and I was going to lose it. I sat up holding the other side and pushed him out-of-the-way. I was going to be sick, I ran to the bathroom closing the door, so I could throw up in private. I really didn’t have anything in my stomach, so it was more like dry heaves. It hurt so badly now that I fell to the floor. The pain was excruciating and I couldn’t stand it.
He was trying to get in the door, “Sarah, you have to let me in. I have to help you!”
I tried to get him to wait in between the heaves, “Wait.”
I couldn’t move to open the door. “Sarah, let me in.”
I tried to move out-of-the-way, but it hurt and I couldn’t move at all. He had the door open enough to climb over the toilet.
He was picking me up and it hurt more, “Jake, stop! Just wait. It hurts more to move.”
“I have to take you to the hospital now, Sarah.”
“NO! Don’t move me. It hurts. What the hell did you do to me?”


Wasting Away – Chapter 43: Where Is The Pain

I was relieved to find out that it wasn’t my mom. Jake was crawling in my bed with me, and I turned to put my face in his chest.
“And I was worried you would kick me out and push me away.”
I laughed a little.
“I am only here ‘til you are sleeping, or your mom comes home, okay?”
I couldn’t say anything, so I just nodded.
“I know you love James, so no funny business.”
I wiped my tears on his shirt.
“If you mess this shirt up, the girl who bought it for me will get mad at you.”
I wiped my face more.
“Sarah, that’s gross.”
I looked up at him, and his eyes softened. “I shouldn’t have left you alone. I am sorry.”
I covered his mouth with my hand, “You talk too much.”
“Sarah,” it came out muffled.
I lowered my hand to let him talk again.
He moved so his lips were close to tracing mine, “You have to turn away from me, because I will kiss you if you don’t.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 44: The Magic of a Dream

A Note from James:
As I lay here with your whisper on my pillow,
I can feel your breath on my face.
Your scent fills the air as I wish you were here.
I wonder often how I can show you,
But there is nothing that will compare.
So just believe.
I love you more than you know,


Wasting Away – Chapter 45: Desperate to Feel Better

“Jake, I love James with all my heart and I do not want to do anything that would hurt him. He loves me more than I deserve, but Jake…if there wasn’t a James in my life… I wouldn’t have turned you away yesterday. I wanted you to take advantage of the situation, but I am so thankful you didn’t.”
“So, I gave up my chance to steal you away?”
“No, Jake. I find you even more attractive because you respected what I wanted in my heart.”
“So, what does that mean?”
“Jake, we will not have a chance to ever be together. I belong with James, but you made me want to be with you. There are very few people in my life that I wanted to be with. You just happen to be the one that I will always wonder about.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 46: Getting Weaker

“Jake, stop. It has to be simple enough for everyone. Just do it without touching, okay.”
“How do you think I am going to coax girls to come to the dance floor if I don’t do it facing them?”
I was smiling. He was really good at this, and I let myself enjoy the dancing. It started again and he danced the same way as we had worked on, but after a little he began to move to me again. It was getting a little hot.
I tried to remind him, “You’re just doing this to coax other girls, right?”
“Why? Does this bother you?”
“No, I love to dance and I just…want it to be easy for everyone. Not a dance for us to get hot with.”
He grinned and moved closer, “You’re hot?”
He was so close I could feel the heat from him, “You’re dancing really sexy with me.”
He moved so his leg was between mine, and his arm wrapped around my waist, “You are turned on by me?”
I heard Tony yell from the bar, “Jake, we have work to do. I think you’ve got it down.”
Jake stopped and gazed into my eyes. He wanted to kiss me and I knew it, but to my relief he just smiled a little saying, “Tomorrow.”


Wasting Away – Chapter 47: A Little Pain

It wasn’t quick enough; I heard him come in. I didn’t say anything to him. He came and sat down on the couch next to me. “Sarah?”
“I’m sorry, but you just don’t know when to stop pushing.”
He traced his hand down the side of me, “Sarah.”
No, Jake, no please don’t touch me. “What?”
“I should have taken you to the hospital on Wednesday; I was being selfish.”
I didn’t know what to say. I felt him lay down next to me wrapping his arm around me, and he lifted my face to look at him. “I wanted more time like this. I liked the way this feels, and I didn’t want it to end.”
I turned to him, and put my face to his chest. It was too hard to look at him as he was explaining to me about how he felt.
“If I fixed you… I wouldn’t get to spend any more time with you. I am sooo sorry, Sarah. You are very sick, and I shouldn’t have kept you like this.”

Wasting Away – Chapter 48: The Surprise

I noticed there was someone walking down the dock. My heart dropped at the same time as it leapt from my chest. He was walking down the dock taking his shirt off and laid it on the bench. Is that…? Shit. We were making the pass about 100 yards from the end of the dock. I let go. He dove off the dock. I let the water rush into me. I was struggling to get the skis off and tucked them under my arms. How was I going to explain this? Shit…shit…I was trying to swim to him quickly, but I was shaking so badly. I couldn’t control the emotions. The tears were coming so fast, and they started spilling right away. Oh, I was going to pay for this. He finally got to me, grabbing the skis from me, tucking them under his arms and trying to hold me at the same time. I could hardly breathe, and I didn’t know what to say. I just stared at him desperately wondering what I was supposed to do. He touched my face, so I leaned into his touch and closed my eyes. He wiped the tears with his thumbs. He pulled me to him wrapping his arm around my waist. He was taking my breath completely away just looking at me that way. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. I was looking to him to see what was next. I wrapped my legs around his waist and arms around his neck and pulled as close to him as I could. Our lips were almost touching. I was staring into his eyes and melting. The trembling was over whelming.


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